We are, each of us, entirely responsible for our own individual happiness. So the spiritual message of the moment appears to be saying.
To a greater degree I agree. Our perception of whatever things can change everything and make anything better, possible and certainly through such you can – I CAN – find the positive in most shitty situations.
This and these, my chosen words are open to questioning, dispute and debate. Like a school essay:
I am a naturally and pretty much renowned, even heralded by others for my positive outlook and annoying ability to see the possible good in things.
My life right now is reasonably, objectively describable, quantifiable as SHIT.
The following was intended as an example reason of why. Yet, like life it is hard to draw it in and hold it to just one and this runs away with itself. Like life?
As I attempt this summary please bear in mind that a lot has ‘gone wrong?’ in a relatively short period of time. Remember please, that throughout, it there have been and continue to be some good times: some real laughter, moments of joy. My presentation misses all details as I try to abridge it. With such a chain of calamities that this summary downplays it is hard to remember and very easy to forget the good parts. Please may I also ask you one further kindness on your part, please also note as you read that throughout there is a theme: “we are all individually responsible..”
In a short period of time I’ve crashed my motorbike badly, then failed the breathalyser ‘just‘. I’m not condoning drink riding. I was wrong. All the same, just’. Before my licence was withdrawn I was hit in the rear at traffic lights. Car written off. Licence gone I lost my job. Out of work, I looked for some months close to my home and out of money I moved countries. The new job ‘didn’t work out’.. Then and along with all of this I fell in love. Got another job. It was slave labour HARD work so l left for a better offer. The better offer, ‘didn’t work out’. (Theme?) The ‘in love’ got truly difficult. Heartbroken. Nothing at all stable in my life I went back to Britain for some reconciliation of myself? A few days before my flight I got hit in the face by a moving tractor-trailer (another story, it was dark..) Broke some teeth, lost some feeling, lost one tooth and gained some weird nervous damage, so with broken teeth and headaches I returned to Britain and then Switzerland for a new season, licence returned, new job and I returned into the same relationship. Crashed the car. Into a field! Luckily the cows were not there! Uninsured for loss. Car DEAD! Work ended and guess what: out of work. No car, lots of luggage. (Yes, emotional baggage approaching overload) and real . In and out of that same relationship. No idea which way was up or down. Out of work, out of accommodation, ‘she’ offered or suggested? More of a decision made – that I move in with her. Shocked, I did. A new city, in a language that I wasn’t so ‘au fait’ with. In a damaging to my everything relationship. Relocated, really trying to find and follow the new rules in another country and new city, everything in that other language, hers. Looking for another job.. in a city, how hard could it be? Bureaucracy took it’s time and place too. I’m not entirely sure what I mean by that yet that feeling about summarises it. Relatively quickly in terms of I’ll love you forever, relationship over. My belongings three floors down out of the window, neighbours called the police, I got fined, my bollocks squeezed tightly enough to hurt for two months; yeah: out of love! (You may be thinking that I did something serious to deserve this, oh no. I did nothing except fail to give 4,000 chf per month?) Homeless. Broke (in many ways.) Fortitude and friends meant that I found somewhere to live 🙂 Took a little wander over a mountain. Climbed up one side, fell down the other. One broken back (permanent metal cage holding me together) and some other bits. Social services being very helpful, life taking some direction. Went to collect a registered letter from the ‘office de population’ It doesn’t take a French dictionary to work out what they are about? I was expecting my updated permit. The sun was shining. I got a letter asking me to leave Switzerland, in six days! There are sentences deserving of exclamation marks and events that truly knock the wind out of you, me. That in its’ moment was one of those.
This in all that it has said, purposefully with punctuation leaving you, hopefully, out of breath. Is a part of a story that is not over. I’m still breathing, there are lessons that I’m learning, some that I’ve learnt, many that I thought I didn’t need to learn.
When I wrote the opening to this post, when I discuss the subject with others I am smarted by a contrajection within.
Contrajection? Apparently it’s not a word. Surely it should be? A balance between contradiction and interjection. More than an interruption, less than an opposite. It’s a new word? It’s an internal struggle within myself.
(Now we pass the suggested word count for the length of a blog.)
If all of our happiness comes from within, our perception.. If all of our happiness is individual –
What of a structured society? What reasons for that structure?
What is society for?
I have answers. What interests me are yours. Wether you share them or not.
My life is shit.
Because I am failing to and caring about paying my part in that society. Why?